Behaviors

Karma Will Get Ya

By Andria ⋅ July 8, 2008 ⋅  Email This Post ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

Back from vacation, and back to reality. The trip went well, all things considered. We ate well, spent well, and the kiddos were well behaved for the most part. I spent a week pretty much away from my computer, only popping on to update the blog with pictures, as I dumped pictures onto my computer at the end of the day. Now, I am having a hard time wanting to get back online; I guess the time away from the computer helped my internet addiction. I need to edit pictures, and upload them on the computer, but I just don’t have the time or desire at this point. I will soon, I promise.

Ailane and Blake had a blast in Orlando. We went to Disney World and Universal Studios, which resulted in very long days. Blake? Is a little trooper. I was afraid he would become annoyed at the change in his routine, but he took it with a grain of salt. He slept well at night, and was excited at the daily agenda of activities. By the end of the week though, I could tell that he was beginning to tire of the constant going-going-gone. He wanted to be held, and wasn’t tolerating his stroller anymore. He’s happy to be home.

I’m still feeling stressed. There is something bothering me, but I can’t seem to quite put my finger on it. So, instead, all these little issues are creeping up and filling the place. Jason, being the only adult in the house besides me, is getting the brunt of my anger. Ailane has rehearsals daily this week, from 8:45 to 5 pm. It’s downtown, and at that time of day, traffic cannot be avoided. I don’t mind so much, but Blake hates his carseat with a vengeance. He screams incessantly, from the moment I put him in, until the moment I snatch him out. It’s stressful. Yesterday it was raining, and the drive home from picking up Ailane left my brain twitching. Combined with a stop at the grocery store, and I couldn’t deal with much. This morning, I learned that Jason was nearby, and that he could have picked her up. And, have taken her also. He was going back in to the office this morning, and wanted me to ask nicely in order for him to take her. I had a thousand things on my mind, and the last thing I wanted to do was to beg for a favor. It all snaps back to a past life where you had to beg for anything, and as a result, would be belittled. This childhood created a trait in me that to have something done, you just do it yourself. But, I still become resentful.

I don’t know what was on my mind. I think, that I was angry over a comment made that Jason has to hold Blake for 30 minutes a day for me. I was trying to get ready, and obsessing over how much time I would need this evening to cook dinner. When, I would have Jason hold him. I started counting up the minutes, and adding them to the minutes that Jason held him this morning. Obsessing, and getting angry. Angry, that it should matter anyway. Jason ended up walking out the door with Ailane, and I didn’t realize it until a few minutes later. I was boiling at this point, and in my head exploded that I just couldn’t handle any more. You see, I don’t have a problem being a parent. When I was little, and everything was going on, I always told myself that I wouldn’t repeat the patterns. That, I would be a better parent- a more involved, loving parent than my own. I never promised myself that I would be a good wife though. That, I would be in a relationship. For the most part, I think I saw relationships as something that you endure in order to have children. It’s a harsh thing to admit- and a harder thing to try to overcome.

I ended up calling my best friend, who didn’t need to hear the details. I never really tell her the details, but instead just simply say that I’m having a hard time. She understands, and talks me out of the anger. Told me that I needed a hobby, and to buy the camera that I’ve been wanting. To stop trying to make Jason make me happy; to entertain me. Something he has said before, but I never listen to him, because what does he know? As I surfed around camera sites earlier, I found my mind drifting. And wondering what it is in me that holds me back from trusting my husband. Why I can put so much trust and understanding into these friendships, but not in to my relationship. I have three best friends, all women I grew up with. They know me inside and out, and when I have something bothering me, or a secret to tell, I turn to them. Rhonda in particular, who had a rough childhood, and I feel can understand the ins and outs of my mind. The best thing I can come up with, is that these friends serve as a surrogate family- surrogate sisters, if you will. But more than anything, they are women. I learned when I was small, that women are to be trusted. Men, not so much. It’s something that I make Jason suffer through… and, it puts him at an unfair disadvantage. He never wins.

And, for that matter, neither do I.

In the end, I realized that karma was pissed at my attitude this morning. The theater called, and informed me that they were holding my car key in their front office. Ailane had put it in her pocket this morning, so that I wouldn’t have to look for it. Nice that they are holding it for me, considering I need it to drive, and all.

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And then, I got this email last night:

Your hosting account has been warned due to high CPU usage - it has reached the limit allowed by your hosting plan.
Your plan is allowed to use: 4.5 % CPU average.
Your account has used: 29.36 % CPU average the last 1 day.
Your account will be automaticaly blocked if you use more CPU load than your plan is allowed in the next 12 hours.

Nice. Maybe karma is once again trying to tell me something. Because apparently, my blog? It sucks.