Debates
Secondary Infertility: The Red-Headed Stepchild
I could see it on their faces when I walked in to the fertility clinic. How they peered over their magazines, as I signed in at the front desk. Women, 20 years older than I was; childless. Me, a young woman in her 20’s, with a young child in tow. Self-consciously, I began to imagine the things that were running through their heads. How dare she bring a child in here. Why is she here anyway, this is an infertility clinic! She apparently has given birth before. And, I had. To a beautiful little girl.
But, the unthinkable had happened. In the years following the birth of my daughter, something had happened to my body. Endometriosis had scarred my tubes, and a string of miscarriages left my insides in a mess of turmoil. Mentally, and physically. I was on a quest though– to have that second child; another biological child for me, and the first for my husband. I wanted to carry a baby, badly. Adoption was not really an option for me, at that point anyway. I found myself caught in a war between those who were able to have children, and those who were not. Those with primary infertility felt that I had already achieved the dream of having a child, while regular couples who were able to conceive offered advice that wounded me to the core. The most painful comments came from these women, such as, “Your miscarriage was a Godsend. It was Mother Nature telling you that something was wrong.” And, “Go on vacation. Then you’ll get pregnant.” No matter how adamantly I explained the situation, it seemed to fall on deaf ears. After many months of trying, surgeries and procedures, followed by medications and artifical insemination, I was finally pregnant. I went on to have my son in November of 2007.
Parenting Magazine recently conducted a survey of 1600 women, asking the following question:
Should a woman be able to use fertility treatments to get pregnant if she already has kids?
80% responded YES.
Some of the responses included:
20% responded NO.
They argued:
Tell me, what do you think? Should a woman stop using fertility treatments after a successful pregnancy? Should those who have had children easily in the past, and then develop secondary infertility, be happy with what they have?
Tags: Discussion
22 comments for “Secondary Infertility: The Red-Headed Stepchild”
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Good luck! I hope the treatments work for you and you have a healthy, happy baby.
I fall into the 80% category. I see no reason to limit the number of children ANYONE chooses to have, regardless of how they choose to have them. That would be the same as saying to someone “You can’t adopt again, there are other families waiting to adopt, they should get first dibs”
I definitely think a woman should be able to use fertility treatments even if they already have a child. I don’t understand anyone saying they shouldn’t. I absolutely would have done the same as you if I had trouble getting pregnant after my 1st, and probably even my 2nd.
I think the question is retarded and that Parents should be ashamed of themselves for even thinking it up.
Funny enough, I was surprised to see children in the fertility office yesterday. It doesn’t bother me… but I’m sure it does some other ladies.
I too am going through secondary infertility issues… and have received the same type of comments. They can be very hurtful.
I have another surgery today - I don’t think I’ll stop “trying” until our family is complete…
That’s absolutely ridiculous. The only time I think people should be limited is if they are too stupid or abusive to raise a child… I’ve seen some sad cases… but that’s another topic for another day.
I agree how could parenting even put that question out. No one as a right to question what a woman does with her body and if you have to have infertilty treatments for every child who cares? I say good for you because you are not letting “society” get in your way of your family.
Why should that even be a question!?!? Of course a woman, if she wants to, should be able to pursue just about any means to have another child. When I say just about, I mean she shouldn’t steal kids or anything like that!
I don’t see why is should even be up for debate. It’s like saying once we have one kid, we shouldn’t have sex anymore to have another. COME ON!
I’d never given it much thought. It would never occur to me that some people should be allowed fertility treatments and others not.. (except for the unfortunate financial barriers).
I have heard the mentality that treatments should be reserved for first-timers only before. This makes no sense to me. It’s not like there are only x number of treatments or x number of BFPs available, so secondary infertiles should save the treatments to those without kids. This argument drives me crazy.
The whole Parenting magazine question made me cranky. Especially the term “able.” Who is going to rip the speculum out of my hoo-haa? The 20%
I totally agree with the 80%, and also echo the sentiments of the posters who say this should not even be a question. Secondary infertility should have no treatment limits!
However, I do wish you wouldn’t bring your child to a fertility clinic unless absolutely necessary. I guarantee you it is hurtful to some people, and I equate it to eating a meal in front of a woman who is starving. Just my 2 cents and of course I wish you all the fertility luck in the world.
I definitely believe that those with secondary IF should be able to pursue whatever treatments they wish.
I’m sure that you wouldn’t bring your child to the fertility clinic unless absolutely necessary. I must admit, however, that the thoughts you think are running through those other women’s heads are exactly the thoughts running through mine whenever someone at my clinic brings their kids with them or flagrantly shows photos of their kids to anyone and everyone in sight. I almost think that there should be a childcare room off of the fertility clinic entrance so that those who have to bring their kids don’t have to worry about the other clinic patients.
I’m part of an online community with a lot of people dealing with secondary infertility — many of whom also dealt with primary infertility but were fortunate enough to successfully have a child, or in some cases adopt.
What I **really** don’t understand is where people get off judging someone else’s choices about how their family should look and should be created. It’s such an intimate and emotional issue, and so wrapped up in our images of ourselves and our bodies.
One thing I do think, though, is that those of us who do have a child or children need to be as sensitive as possible to families still dealing with primary infertility. I can imagine that seeing babies and toddlers with their parent(s) at an RE clinic would sting and cause some resentment among a lot of infertility patients.
Good luck getting pregnant with #2.
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
This question also disturbed me. Even before my stint with infertility, I was sensitive to those around me who suffered from fertility woes. I guess, I saw infertility as a condition.
Which, is why I don’t understand why some people are so adverse to fertility treatments. If you had cancer, would you treat it? Most likely, yes. If the cancer returned, would you treat it again?
Some may argue that by undergoing fertility treatments, you are playing “God”. Then I ask, if that is so, should my Grandfather not have undergone quadruple bipass surgery? Wasn’t that playing “God” also? That is my view of the situation, anyway.
I also wanted to address the fact that I took Ailane with me to the fertility clinic. At the time, Jason was traveling during the week for business, and twice I had no choice but to take her. The first time it felt awkward, and the second, downright uncomfortable. It was unavoidable at the time, and not something I hope to repeat in the future. Those who have been through the fertility game know that you can’t just reschedule an appt., since times and (blood) levels can be critical. I hope, that my actions in bringing Ailane didn’t offend any women in that room on those days.
For those who are new to my blog, and are visiting from Lost and Found, WELCOME! Thanks for stopping by. My About page and archives are a great place to start if you are interested in my story. And just for the record, no, we are not trying to get pregnant at this point. Blake was born last Nov., and he makes #2 of the little people count in our house. Excluding furbabies, of course.
I really don’t think it’s anyone’s business one way or the other. If one has the funds, the desire, and the spousal/partner/familial support then why not?
Another issue but along the same lines: Now I just wish that people would stop telling me that I must have kids (that I owe society and that’s it’s my “duty”) and that time is “running out” just because I’m in my early 30’s. If I chose to have kids, I will do so on my terms, not anyone else’s.
Hey there! Just a note from a NCLMer and trying to get caught up (Even tho I was late to sign up for the list!) Please visit my blog today if you have a chance as I am trying to make people aware of Bone Marrow Donation…yes I know, my site is mostly about Surrogacy but you know how THAT goes!
Loved your blog and I have had secondary infertility which is why I have a 10 year span between my 2 kids…I hope to visit again when I get back from Vacation!
Hugs
Sharon
http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy_101/
Deep breath in…
Firstly, this is not just a ‘womens issue’. The obviousness of that should be apparent enough not to require further explanation.
Secondly, that question posed is the biggest load of gut rot imaginable, such a sweeping generalised question only posed to stir drama.
There are dozen, hundreds of reasons why a woman with children may need fertility treatments, most of which are of no business or concern to anyone else.
Second marriages for example, or like your own example a physical change subsequent to earlier children.
Then the reasons I see quoted from the 20% who say no:
Maybe God didn’t want it? Well he’s turning out to be quite the picky chap isn’t he? if he is currently choosing what’s good and bad with the world.
Lucky to have the kids she has? I really want to swear here but I’m biting my tongue. Maybe we should just set a limit on the number of children in general eh? 1, 2 perhaps?
They should just go adopt? Trying to solve society’s shortfallings by matching up the cast aside with the infertile is a dangerously sweeping and generalised action. Adoption should be carried out by those dedicated to it, not as a way of appeasing those intent on running the lives of others.
…and breathe out…
I struggled with secondary infertility for about four years and it was a no-woman’s land trying to find support. I find the question insulting but it’s about what I expect from mainstream parenting (and women’s) mags.
I am in total favor of women with secondary IF seeking treatment, I can’t imagine why they shouldn’t be given help.
My only issue is with bringing children to the clinic. I understand that it might be necessary, but it can make a difficult situation so much worse to see babies there -of all places. Sometimes I’m okay with it, but when coming off a failed IVF and thinking it will NEVER happen, it’s not good for the mental health to see toddlers running around.
Cavet-I’m an infertile and childless woman.
I think everyone should go as far with the technology as they are comfortable with and that one’s previous ability to have a child should have no hearing on access.
However, I remember how irrationally jealous and sad seeing people at the clinic with their kids. It had nothing to do with the moms, and everything to do with me.
Rose
That is simply the dumbest question put out by a magazine.