Relationships
Until Death Do Us Part
Last week, after leaving the doctor’s office, while on the way to Ikea, Jason and I fell into a conversation regarding death. Specifically, what he would do if something were to happen to me. “I’ve thought about that”, he confessed. “And, honestly, there is no way I could do it by myself. I would probably see if my mom or yours would move in, or I would move to Connecticut.”
There was a part of me that was taken aback, but only for a brief second. The fact being, that he has thought about me not being around. Being a single parent; raising our children alone. But, I can’t be mad- for, I have done the same. When he is late returning home from work, my mind starts imagining that knock at the door. Policemen, ready to head home for the day, nervously holding their hats over their heart, as they relay the news. An auto accident. My mind starts racing, wondering what I would do. Who I would call first. Wondering, what he would prefer when it came to funeral arrangements.
“If I were to die, where would you bury me?”, I ask him. “I don’t know”, he replied. “I want to be buried in the cemetery on my parent’s land. Whatever you do, don’t take me out of Texas”, I threaten. And, I start to wonder, if I should write up my preferences. Religious service, music selections, open casket or not. Type of flowers, that will be arranged in a flowing display over the center of the casket. It’s morbid, but no one is invincible. We are all dying from the moment we were born.
There is one topic, that we never seem to broach. What would happen, if both of us were to pass away. Leaving our children behind, alone at a young age. I don’t like to think of it, selfishly, refusing the thought of my children growing up without me. Not seeing them graduate, get married, have children of their own. Naively, I have convinced myself that I will be around until they are settled in life. Retired, with grandchildren of their own.
We need to discuss it though. What would happen to our belongings, to our children. I’m afraid of a fight though, when it comes to deciding who would take them. The most important factor being that they stay together- never separated. Loved, and the memory of their parents not tarnished by slander. After years of saying that my own parents are e-ville, I have come to realize that no one could do right by my children, more so than them. Changes have happened, and I trust that they would give the love and care that the kid’s need. They are still relatively young- being in their late 40’s. My mother brought up the subject recently, saying that they always assumed that they would take the kids. I guess, they knew my choice, before I ever made it.
Discussion
14 comments for “Until Death Do Us Part”
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Ug, that’s a hard talk to have. Jonathon and I also agreed that my parents would take the kid(s) (he knows his are cuckoo and poor on top of that). I talked to my mom one day and she said she assumed they would take Bailey too. I guess it’s good that we are thinking about this even though it sucks. Now we just need to get it in writing.
We can’t decide who will take our son. The only thing that I know is that it won’t be my parents. I don’t want my in-laws to take them either, but I’ve had trouble convincing my husband.
It is good to talk about these things ahead of time because you never know when or if your life will be cut short.
Those are hard discussions to have, but necessary. We have it narrowed down to 2 couples (my bf or his sister) to take our kids, but need to make a final decision and get it in writing.
“…What would happen to our belongings, to our children…”
Dear god, why the hell do you care what happens to your STUFF once you are dead?! are you that shallow and superficial?? my god! your belongings, sweetheart, will rot away or be thrown in the trash. does that bother you? that your television and fancy couch will be garbage? you can’t take it with you dear, i think you need to spend some time considering that. “…my belongings…” for goodness sakes. it just STUFF!
Tough thoughts, but necessary, I guess. We asked my sil and her husband. I hate to think about it.
Dear A Concerned Human Being,
Get over yourself. And don’t hide behind your anonymity…it’s weak. She was just asking a question, and it’s something that I think is normal to think about. It’s not like she said she WORRIES about her stuff, she was just wondering. Sheesh.
Love,
Amy
Hey Concerned,
I think the majority of people write wills. Obviously that has to do with stuff. And did you ever think that perhaps she has some special things and wants to make sure they end up with people that she loves?
Tara
I 3rd and 4th what Amy and Tara said. Besides, who are you to judge?
how about asking your hubby to give some thought to family and friends that he thinks would do well raising your children. you do the same. separately for a few days. revisit the topic in a few days and see if he’s thought about it, if not, ask him to do so again and bring it up again in a few days.
my hubby and i did that and came to the same conclusion (though we dont have any kids yet). the reasons people were negated? too old, they wouldnt want to do it, we dont think they’d appreciate it if we kicked and stuck them with our kids, they were too young, the couple didnt seem ‘united’ enough, not married/settled, etc.
the conclusion we came to? a married couple with a second couple as back up. both friends of mine from college. a farmer and a doctor as spouses. both in our home state. the first set is near our families and will likely not move. they are more similar to us in personality. they will go to church. what church doesnt matter. funnily enough, money didnt matter all that much. love was the most important thing. would they love our kids? would there be laughter in the house. oh and rules. would there be rules?
another friend of mine? chose theirs because their friends had the same specific christian religion. lutheran. that was most important. shrug.
different folks, different strokes.
good luck and i highly encourage you to do this.
oh and also? yeah if you have something specific you want your daughter to have (like your wedding ring), i see no reason not to include that in a statement about your preferences. dont know why folks think that’s a big deal? its natural to want to pass down heirlooms. isn’t it?
You are so not alone in your thoughts. No one!! No one can love your children as you do. Never! So you have to choose the next best thing. My Mom tells stories of families from her generation and most of them are too sad for words. Guess we just have to pray, and live every day to it’s fullest. My 85 year old Mom already gave me her “Mother’s Ring” she wanted to make sure I got it. Sometimes after a death vultures move in and take things that have real meaning to others. So your thoughts are not unfounded. Ultimately, when you’re gone - who cares. But you’re not gone. You’re here and you do care lol. Does that make sense?
Looking at it from the other side, I’m very glad my grandparents were concerned enough about their stuff to make sure that we each got something to remember them by.
My grandmother’s china and silver, just stuff, is very precious to me and I love that she wanted me to have it.
Same topic at our house lately. I don’t know why, but this has been on my mind more than ever since my second child was born. I too worry about my stuff… primarily making sure that the stuff that is dear to me, stuff that I was planning on handing down to my children and grandchildren still makes its way to them. And, holy crap, what will I do with my FIVE animals? Who in their right mind would take all of them?
Way too much to think about, but it is a necessary thing to be done when you have children! And stuff that you love!
It must be mental telepathy! Robin and I were just talking about what would happen if one of us died, and if both of us died, who we would ask to be godparents to Jesse-Lee… and truly, right now, we are so stumped. We’re asking God for guidance now. He led us to Jesse-Lee, He needs to lead us to the right family to ask to look after our baby is something should happen to us.
Dear Andria,
Just bumped onto your site via Pioneer Woman. Your post was beautifully written with heartfelt thoughts on a difficult subject. But now I must be practical, pragmatic and bossy. Please write a will. Sit down now, your next free minute and just outline some basics. You covered them in your post. What happens to our kids, our stuff, and how do I want to be buried. What happens if we both die. Who will take care of carrying out these instructions (ie be the executor.) Then get onto the web, many good sites on information on how to write a will or buy one of the kits. Then go to an attorney and get it all reviewed and notarized. Then put it in a safe place and update it when major changes take place. I can not believe the number of people that don’t do this. Ask anyone that works in probate courts the heartache that can be saved by just doing this simple thing.